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Rag Doll

(October 27, 2011 9:27 pm est)
I am tired of being your rag doll.
I have spread myself far and wide for people who I could never say no to
I have been a rag doll for many men
A slave willingly offering my feminine sexuality
Offering the opening of myself to be engulfed for nothing by nothing
Its because of you mother, my natural predator, I was born to my enemy
Having to grow up and learn that’s its nothing personal
I’ve healed and learned that there is nothing behind all your antics
Your monstrous face
Your intimidating eyes
Your screeching, your yelling, hands on your hips, flailing, and straight up temper tantrums that have haunted me my whole life
Its wrong for me to get angry but permissible for you
Its wrong for me to have wants, needs, and desires but I fulfill yours
As a teen – ager I was obviously worn out
Tired from fighting with you, pleading with you, crying to you, trying to understand you, trying to get you to understand what I needed
For those outburst of self – expression I was shot down, slapped down, and shut up, told I didn’t have a place, a voice, and shouldn’t bother at all to live
Then you had no more use for me, you used me, and started telling my younger siblings that I was crazy
I could barely move
My frontal lobe is worn out because all I had left for me was in fantasy
There is no hope for me and you but there is hope for me
I’ll tell you a little secret that I think you already knew
I held on to myself on the inside and that part you could not control
I face you now again and again, the tears stream out of my eyes
I will make it and be all that I ever thought I could be
I don’t know if I will ever give birth but I will so
Laterally
The rag doll that you once used and toyed with and chewed, and squeezed and scatched
Knows that to become real, you need real love, and I have got plenty of that
I let myself know what my values are and I’m able to appropriately act
I let my body give me signs and post for I am valuable in fact
Emotional violence is very real and it created a scared cowering child
That turned into a scared and cowering adult but I am can healing now
Its hard to see the truth but I’m glad I’ve done it more than not
I will spend  my life as a vigilent adult
And you . . . well you will probaly still be scouring around like a vulture
Looking for your next prey because you can’t birth anymore children
What a wonderful idea for a predator like you
To make energy meals out the children that need and depend on you
And how wonderfully convenient for you to hide behind
The mask you made
Because all the laws are for adults
In the bible the children get laid
Out on floor for the lashings they deserve for being disobedient to the adults
Who apparently know it all
How can a child be disobedient?
In the constitution it says that all men are due rights under the natural laws of God but I guess that doesn’t apply to little people
Children are just the pets of adults
If it wasn’t for what’s acceptable to society and the image that everyone saw
You would easily take the next step after you were finished with your crimes and make sign that said,
“For Sale, Rag Dolls.”
You would sell your children off
Because to you they are not children at all
And this is where my understanding ends and perhaps you can take over and fill in because I will never understand that kind of indifference
No never, not at all.
This link leads to a link from a journal entry I wrote and a picture drew about how I feel in my relationship with my mother.
http://thegrimaceofmatriarchs.wordpress.com/?attachment_id=46
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

My Childhood Part 1

( My first Blog post, October 6, 2011) In effort to bring awareness to my podcast, The Trigger Happy Workbook Podcast, I will be posting the beginning of my online journey sharing my story. I started blogging out of a need to spill out what I was processing and not feel alone. I wanted to be brave like the women that have shared their lives and have helped me.

My mother is evil.  Evil is not being used as an adjective to describe her character, like “Girl, you are evil, stop play’in” no, uh, huh, it is a fact of my life. Through very subtle malignant actions she set out to destroy every thread of my being. To say my mother doesn’t love me is an understatement. To say she hates me is also an understatement. Its more like one of those evil monsters, aliens, or predators in movies that humans seem too terrified of but also fascinated by because we don’t understand how or why anyone could or would ever want to destroy and annihilate  another being. What’s so interesting to me about what I just said is that we can be “entertained” by these images on the screen but when someone has a horrifying childhood in our society most people can’t sit down for 10 minutes to understand and empathize. It’s always forgive this, just walk it off that, she didn’t know what she was doing, think about what she went through. Interesting.

I was they type of child who had feelings. I felt everything. I was passionate and able to keep myself company for hours on end writing, reading, drawing, singing, and using my imagination to create anything I wanted. My inner world was my life. On the outside of that was hell and chaos.

I remember when I was in 1st grade, I tried out for my first talent show. I sang an interlude off of an El Debarge album that they pulled off the radio and out of stores for political reasons so I can’t find it anywhere. But I will sing the song and post it. Anyway, I remember my music teacher looking at me in awe because I had so much passion as I sang. I ended up lip syncing because I was shy to sing out loud in front a large crowd, I lip sync Michael Jackson’s ‘ Man in the Mirror,’ and received a 2nd place badge. I was so proud of myself. I remember wanting my mom to be there really bad it seemed like everybody elses parents were there for them but mine, a common theme in my life. I felt very alone as a little kid because my mother never spent any time with me. Because of that walking through the halls at school felt alone, walking down the street, even playing with other kids, nothing ever felt right, everything always felt surreal, like I was alive but I wasn’t. So, I brought home this special 2nd place badge to my mother and she was talking on the phone and she looked at the plaque, and then looked down at me and gave me this weird look like she didn’t know me (because she didn’t) and then she snapped out of it and talked to me like I was a puppy dog and patted me on the head and said that’s so good. She didn’t ask me any questions like, what song did you sing, how did you feel, or even will you sing it for me? The next day I did the talent show my confidence was shot down a little bit more, and of course she wasn’t there. The underlying sadness I felt as kid was always in the background. The voicelessness I experienced when I look back on it was smothering. She never talked to me. It was like the nanny off of Muppet Babies  all I saw were her legs and I remember watching her from a far wanting to reach out, wanting really bad to talk and express something but knowing that I couldn’t. The only time me and my mother ‘talked’ is when she would be trying to take my Will away from me  in some way and I would be standing up for my little self and telling screaming at her that I wanted my Grandma, or my Dad, or anyone else but her. Her response was always, they can have you, or telling me how horrible my grandmother is compared to her, or yelling something bad about my father. There were never any hugs or any kisses, no bedtime stories, just men lingering around and the sounds of her having sex in the bedroom across the hall.

The most important thing to my mother was men and sex it looked like to me. She would entertain a group of men in our home, they would be in the living room watching porn while she made their food. I hated them, I always I had to stay in my room. I hated her and I hated them.  The one I hated the most is the one she got pregnant by and married.

There was something very wrong with my step-dad. I remember the first day I met him he was sooooo fake. I remember how he told Tiffany this girl that used to torture me she had pretty eyes and he complimented Leah on how cute she was but didn’t compliment me, he had to go.  I used to give him the ‘get the hell out of my house’ evil eye when he first came into my mothers life. He would ask what I was looking at him like that for and my mother would send me to my room. My mother was so desperate to not have to do anything for herself the first person that was willing to accept the facade she put on and her two children was the winner.  She didn’t care that he didn’t love us.

My life changed forever the first time my mother let him beat me and my sister. I felt so betrayed it was the worst feeling I ever had my life.  First of all there was this belt that got passed down from my Great – Grandma to my Grandma, then to my mother, (its funny how my Nana and my Grandma both kicked my mother out when she was pregnant with me and didn’t even go with her to the hospital when she had me but they gave her a belt to beat me with). It was thick leather and had 4 rows of metal holes going around the whole belt. I hated that thing. Later on me, my sister, and my step brother threw it in the dumpster. He beat us so hard it cut throw my skin. I could only see red I was so hurt and so mad. No explanation, I just had to bend over and let him beat me, I had to walk over to him, bend over and let this man beat me. For what? playing, making noise while him and my mother were fucking in the other room. And then he had the nerve to tell us to shut up that noise because we were crying. How dare them do that to children. How cowardly, low down, dirty, callous, and indifferent. I hate them both.

He would tell my mother that she spoiled us and that we were talking back too much. I wished he would just have died because the only way you can communicate with her is to argue with her. The only thing I was able to fight for in my life were my clothes, my toys and going outside. I would not let my mother dress me any kind of way I was fiercely protective of my style and I guess she didn’t care too much about that because it made her look good, as I got older and the abuse worsened she cared very much if I was singing. My mother and my step – bitch – ass – crack head – cheat’in ass – pedophile ass – bitch ass dad were a worrisome couple, whose bond was sadistically attached to the destruction of their children. They deserve an academy award  for all that damn acting. They had everyone in their world fooled, and their 5 children were part of the props. With the loud exclamations from my step – dad that anything that goes on this house stays in this house. I could really throw up.  To be continued . . .

© 2012 Aya Bellene™ All Rights Reserved

The Sexy Apsara |The Return of the Feminine Arts |How to utilize your Cancer/Capricorn Axis | The Dangers of yin and yang Imbalances

The Goddess Parvati has been seeking me out. I have been concerning myself slightly about being a devotee of hers. My archetype has a natural communication with her that has been built over many lifetimes. She has shown me ever so gently the imbalances of the masculine and feminine energies and a way they may be fixed. Today as I did my Full Moon in Cancer reading for my Youtube Channel I was looking at the opposition of the Sun, Mercury, Pluto, and Saturn in Capricorn.  And I realized that I have been feeling overwhelmed with healing my emotional wounds and Parvati has brought it to my attention that there has been a lack of devotion to the Feminine Arts not only on my part but on the part of the women of earth. Devotion and discipline go hand and hand. This is where the Cancer/Capricorn Axis comes in. Cancer is ruled by the moon and is The Mother (parvati, shakti) energy. Without discipline (capricorn, shiva, father) the emotions are all over the place. Lunacy ensues. And without a nurturing, nourishing mother the father principle becomes a controlling tyrant. This we can clearly see within our society. I see groups being formed to assist women in remembering the feminine principles as a way to attract provider/protector men. Resting in your feminine energy to receive is just the beginning. Being a beautiful mother and homemaker are the basic feminine arts. I see that there is something missing from this way of thinking. Devotion to development of character. Without cultivating and honing your power and channeling your strength (masculine) through the feminine arts the same cycle is doomed to happen again. The masculine will become overgrown and overpower the self-made powerless feminine who sits in wait for direction to the nearest nail salon or mall. If you read the mythological story of Parvati and shiva. Shiva couldn’t be bothered with the petty concerns of feelings he didn’t want lose self-control or focus because he was too busy focusing on cultivating his peace after a heartbreak of losing his wife Sati. Parvati tried to shoot him with arrows of love, send him flowers, bless him with her feminine wows and all it did was annoy him, and downright piss off. She realized she had to focus on herself and stop paying attention to him. She went away into the woods and began to do her rituals (Pooja) and penance everyday. This went on for some years. Finally Shiva was attracted to her determination and her penance. Parvati purified her character, built up her strength, her trust in herself, gained knowledge, self-understanding, found her own inner peace. She no longer needed him to validate her by being his wife. This is the strength of a disciplined moon energy. It takes discipline to truly be feminine. Just like it takes discipline to be masculine. Women can’t ask of a man what they aren’t willing to do in their feminine way. What are some examples of Feminine Arts?

  • Belly Dance
  • Mother
  • Homemaker
  • Wife
  • Fans
  • Painting
  • Singing
  • Writing
  • Acting
  • Seduction
  • High Priestess
  • Swords
  • Yogini
  • Playing Instruments
  • Sewing

The beauty of a woman is inspirational to the masculine and does require discipline. I also believe that if thats the only thing that a man is attracted to it can feel like a psychic attack against the true self of the person being objectified. This puts an over emphasis and heavy burden on the sacral chakra which can have a depleting affect on the creativity for bother parties.

To heal the world there needs to be an allowance of a lot of discipline (capricorn, Shiva) to feminine self-expression (moon, Parvati).

The Spiritual Bath Tea – My Fairy Godmother Taught me To Care for Myself – would be a great way jumpstart your journey if this article is at all triggering to you. Soak yourself in the herbal waters of the Divine Mother as you make peace with where you are and what you would like to endeavor. Peace to You in all your experiences!

If you would like become a Sexy Apsara contact me and I will add you to the group!

Announcement! New Name | ReBrand

Aya would like to thank everyone that has supported the growth of her calling and business throughout these last couple of years. Because of you she is able to see what is needed and coming up in the Spiritual Life of the masses. We are moving on towards making Spirituality a Lifestyle not just a trend or something you run to when you are in crisis. So introducing  A Fairy Good Life. This is a Spiritual Lifestyle Brand that will include Alchemical Herbal Remedies to heal your living cells of disconnection from the Divine. And the creation of Altars and meditation corners in your home as a everyday fixture. Utilizing Vastu Shastra, you will that the universe in its organized chaos has designated a spot for everything. So the flow of energy works above and below, inside and out, and outside  to inside. This is what coming up for the brand so please keep checking back for blogs and products that will assist you with Vastu Shastra and more! I look forward to continuing this journey with you All!

Peace to you!

Aya

#BlackFriday |#CyberMonday |Solar Return Chart | Get 20/20 Vision for 2020!

Solar Return Chart 2020 #blackfriday

Every year the sun transits back to the same position it was in when you were born. The Sun is responsible for pouring life giving energy that presents joyful energy patterns and challenging initiations. This is called a Solar Return. A Solar Return chart will show what areas in your life during a one year time span you will have the best luck and the most challenges. Sometimes you need to get back in alignment with your assignment this lifetime. Getting your chart read will assist you in working with the potential energies and get you into the flow of your true life path. A reading will include a 60 minute Astrology reading using face-time, phone, or in person. Go to the contacts tab and send me your natal Chart Info. I need your Date of Birth, Time of Birth, and Place of Birth. Let's schedule a time together.

$50.00

New Moon in Sagittarius | Moving on to Bigger and Better | First Clear Away (Neptune goes direct) What No Longer Serves You

During Neptune in Retrograde. Going within can be like going white water rafting. Some of the terrain is calm and peaceful and some of the terrain will disorientate you and make you wonder why you even agreed upon this journey in the 1st place. After it’s over you look back at the experience your heart is pounding and you are affectionate towards your experience with the river. No matter how rough the terrain you wouldn’t take back the experience for any fear that may have appeared. Actually, now fear is diminished and takes a back seat to the idea of your next challenge.

This example is much like living day to day with our personal healing journey. A lot of us were hurled onto our Path by painful endings of careers, lover, friends, homes, death, or maybe even multiple areas of life where there is loss and disappointment. As we get deeper into the process we can find ourselves disorientated by how far away from our old self we are and how far away from our new Self we appear to be. Now that Neptune has gone direct you may feel tossed between two worlds, two different states of being, two different ways of life, and stuck in relationships that don’t support your new Path. If you feel torn in two its time for you to make a decision. This decision making process is an inside job. This is where you truly marry your new way of life. And let go of what no longer will serve as you move forward.

The New Moon is about New Beginnings and Sagittarius is about Big Faith. Big Abundance. Big Plans. Big Knowledge. In order to go off on this Big journey there are some goodbyes that you have right to lament. Neptune going direct will give you a feeling of reflection of everything you have been ingesting for you new life. So now you need some silence, some courage, maybe a spiritual bath or two. A clearing. Make way for your bigger and better life during this new moon phase. I have a remedy if you would like guidance. I suggest you do a commitment ceremony as a symbol to your subconscious that you are actually moving forward. Yes, I am going through with this! Sometimes the ego can cause anxiety because its wondering and worrying, is this really me?, am I really this person?, Is this that serious?, I must be going crazy?. Amongst all the other external comparisons and maybe even external criticism that are a reflection of your own inner doubt.

Ingrediants

1 Coconut

1 spiritual bath Tea Bag

1 4am Chant to Lord Ganesh

So you say, yes I am actually moving forward to bigger and better. I rub this coconut over my body and release any energies that no longer serve me for my highest and best good, and I release energies that do not belong to me. Thank you coconut for taking the energy from me. Then you take the coconut outside and you break it. When you run your bath water or soak your feet in a basin place the tea back inside the warm water. Play your favorite Lord Ganesha Chant. Ganesha is the elephant God that removes all obstacles. OM Ganaptye Namaha! Meaning of chant is Greetings Awesome Ganasha! You can express to him what you are moving on towards and how awesome it would be if the way was shown to you how to get there. You can do it!

For personal sessions with me. Check out my website www.ayaofthedawn.com. In my tabs you will see I offer reiki , Astrology, Tarot , and Spiritual Counseling. I also offer group rituals where we have intuition parties, and altar education as well as manifestation rituals. join us on www.Patreon.com/tangledfairy Peace to You!

Manifestation Circle Rituals | Why do Rituals?| Do they work?

manifest circle (1)

What’s up homies?! I am so happy to be writing to you. I have not been too too active on any social media platforms for about 6 months. I needed to connect with myself in a deeper more intimate way so that I have something to share from a space of abundance.

Feel free to download this manifestation circle for your ritual practices. My gift to you. I have had great results from drawing this circle and putting some of my Aura of Joy Protection Oil around the circle to boost the energy and manifesting power. My clients have had great results as well. So I decided to make this available for free download. The theory behind this simple but impactful ritual is that whatever you want to keep in your circle you put inside the circle and whatever you want outside of  your life, aura, mind, family, and ect . . . you write on the outside of the circle. For example: I want joy, peace, growth of cash flow, balanced and healthy relationships, beauty, and ect . . . inside of my circle. On the outside of my circle I have names of people written, poverty, poor health, dark spirits, negative thoughts and ect . . . At the bottom of the page are geometric shapes that help balance the brain and boost the energy of the ritual. You could put the Aura of Joy Protection Oil around those symbols as well.

Why does this work?

I made it for myself out of necessity. It came to me from a place of knowing. I also have deep ancestors roots when it comes to Alchemy. What I have found about Alchemy is that your emotions along with technical knowledge makes magic happen. So lets look at the symbols being used for those of us who need to know the technicals. What does that Circle mean? The circle of life. What goes around, comes around. Outer Space. Inner Space. Timelessness. Wholeness. Oneness. The Womb. One Source that creates all. When you use this tool, or if you draw it yourself, you are petitioning to the great I AM. Not from a intellectual space. I find that when we create these rudimentary  tools something intuitively creative takes over and fun is allowed to show up. A free form of letting out whats in the subconscious mind and letting in what you really truly desire from the higher mind. In this space you don’t mind your feelings so much because they become primitive, instinctual, and child like and you may find that you are will be able to use more then one circle. Then you can burn it in the ashes of your altar. How fun is that?

Why do Rituals?

Rituals assist us in getting out of Robot mode and into reality. You are more than the tip of the iceberg. You are not the numbness and the veil that you wear to mask your true emotions. You are your true emotions. And when you get out of feelings during a ritual, you experience release, upon the experience of release you experience an ecstatic state in which you are thinking positively about your life, your future, yourself, and your state of being is good. In this positive ecstatic state you are able to manifest from a place of joy. Your actions will follow how you feel and all of sudden your luck changes. Just like any other machinery around you, you have to clean out the engine, or erase the back files to keep this up. So, you will being doing another ritual at another time. Nothing wrong with that, that’s just the way it is.

Join me on Patreon for Wild Fairy Friends New Moon/Full Moon Rituals. Also contact me for personal Spiritual Counseling to set you on the right path. I offer Astrology, Tarot, Reiki, Ancestor Healing, and Altar Consultations. Peace to you!

NEW! Monthly Tarot Meditations | October 2018 | Owning Your Value

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As I was typing all the tarot cards in to October’s Daily Tarot I saw a story of high hopes and struggles with owning your goodness, as if it’s noble to to deny yourself of good. What message does that send to others within the universe? I know you don’t want to proclaim The bad. So if you don’t own your goodness and you reject your shadow? Where does that leave you? At The mercy of whom ever you are attached to and whatever situations arise? Not a stable constitution. No real life either. This is what happens when we don’t own IT. I see The universe expressing love to you and you needing outside validation in order to accept your new life. This validation comes at a high cost. This month they will bring you up to tear you down. This month you will learn a lesson of validating, embracing, & owning yourSELF. You are not all bad nor are you all good. Look at mythology. None of the gods and goddesses are perfect. Why? We don’t have it all together alone. That’s the karma of wanting to be separate from the ONE. Oneness is perfect allowance. ONENESS is a neutral law of nature. We are allowed to learn to be become ok with the consequences of what we experience. The more you get tired of being in pain, the more you will accept your one-ness. Which means embracing all of you. Being real, letting passion overtake you, letting anger ravage you, changing when needed, and being ok with it all. That is the true function of your Being.

I invite you to subscribe to my website if you would like daily readings sent your email from Aya’s October’s Daily Tarot. Join Aya of The Dawn on Patreon (www.patreon.com/ayaofthedawn.com) for monthly printouts and Daily video readings from the calendar exclusively for members. Check out the other Tiers as well while you are there. Thank you for your ever loving supporting. And for being part of the soulutions in earth plane.

Aya Of The Dawn