(October 27, 2011 9:27 pm est)
I am tired of being your rag doll.
I have spread myself far and wide for people who I could never say no to
I have been a rag doll for many men
A slave willingly offering my feminine sexuality
Offering the opening of myself to be engulfed for nothing by nothing
Its because of you mother, my natural predator, I was born to my enemy
Having to grow up and learn that’s its nothing personal
I’ve healed and learned that there is nothing behind all your antics
Your monstrous face
Your intimidating eyes
Your screeching, your yelling, hands on your hips, flailing, and straight up temper tantrums that have haunted me my whole life
Its wrong for me to get angry but permissible for you
Its wrong for me to have wants, needs, and desires but I fulfill yours
As a teen – ager I was obviously worn out
Tired from fighting with you, pleading with you, crying to you, trying to understand you, trying to get you to understand what I needed
For those outburst of self – expression I was shot down, slapped down, and shut up, told I didn’t have a place, a voice, and shouldn’t bother at all to live
Then you had no more use for me, you used me, and started telling my younger siblings that I was crazy
I could barely move
My frontal lobe is worn out because all I had left for me was in fantasy
There is no hope for me and you but there is hope for me
I’ll tell you a little secret that I think you already knew
I held on to myself on the inside and that part you could not control
I face you now again and again, the tears stream out of my eyes
I will make it and be all that I ever thought I could be
I don’t know if I will ever give birth but I will so
Laterally
The rag doll that you once used and toyed with and chewed, and squeezed and scatched
Knows that to become real, you need real love, and I have got plenty of that
I let myself know what my values are and I’m able to appropriately act
I let my body give me signs and post for I am valuable in fact
Emotional violence is very real and it created a scared cowering child
That turned into a scared and cowering adult but I am can healing now
Its hard to see the truth but I’m glad I’ve done it more than not
I will spend my life as a vigilent adult
And you . . . well you will probaly still be scouring around like a vulture
Looking for your next prey because you can’t birth anymore children
What a wonderful idea for a predator like you
To make energy meals out the children that need and depend on you
And how wonderfully convenient for you to hide behind
The mask you made
Because all the laws are for adults
In the bible the children get laid
Out on floor for the lashings they deserve for being disobedient to the adults
Who apparently know it all
How can a child be disobedient?
In the constitution it says that all men are due rights under the natural laws of God but I guess that doesn’t apply to little people
Children are just the pets of adults
If it wasn’t for what’s acceptable to society and the image that everyone saw
You would easily take the next step after you were finished with your crimes and make sign that said,
“For Sale, Rag Dolls.”
You would sell your children off
Because to you they are not children at all
And this is where my understanding ends and perhaps you can take over and fill in because I will never understand that kind of indifference
No never, not at all.
This link leads to a link from a journal entry I wrote and a picture drew about how I feel in my relationship with my mother.
http://thegrimaceofmatriarchs.wordpress.com/?attachment_id=46
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved
One response to “Rag Doll”
-
Yet another crafted post that is written so well that I am able to feel the emotions you are writing about as I follow along with you on this piece of your childhood and soul. You are a true master of storytelling. Bravo. Your second biggest fan.
LikeLike
Hello,
I’m Aya
Welcome to Aya Bellene, where I get the amazing opportunity to share my ideal of spiritual transformation in my way. Which is fun, spunky, spirited, joyful, and free! Let’s build a community that is a safe space for everyone to be empowered and expand. Tune in Focus on yourself and move forward!
Let’s connect
Join the fun!
Stay updated with our latest tutorials and ideas by joining our newsletter.
Aya Bellené 
Leave a comment