Intimidation is a Trick, a Scandal, and a Lie

My abuser used intimidation to make me feel like I wasn’t free.  It (the feeling of being intimidated) makes me turn away from approaching certain areas of myself inside my body. I feel a since of fight or flight whenever I feel like being happy, enjoying my day, being pretty, singing a song, being spontaneous, something makes me turn away from experiencing arousal, play, or fun.

Her coldness, her steely glare, her standing over me with her hands on hips all to show me that I wasn’t in charge of how I felt inside, she felt that she had all the right to take over my space. When I was a little kid she paid me no mind. When I began to become a woman and my animus began to sprout she always wanted to fight me and intimidate. She did this until I was completely submissive.

Because she couldn’t handle seeing what she didn’t have I couldn’t grow up. I couldn’t get comfortable in my own skin, I couldn’t house my own body. To keep her from antagonizing me everyday I had to be vacant. Nobody was home. I talked to myself, I stayed in my room, I only came out when she called on me, I gave up all activities that I enjoyed. She beat the spirit out of me.

For the longest time I haven’t been able to speak up when I talk to people, I can’t find the right words to say, I don’t know how to animate my body most of the time. I love to sing, but I can’t sing around people, I love to dance and I’m afraid to move.

Intimidation made me feel like I’m not allowed to be here in this world as myself. It made me believe that everything I do is wrong, something is wrong with me and how I am. and I shouldn’t even bother trying. It’s all a lie, a trick, and abuse by someone who is too weak to see that if something triggers her she should go about finding out how to change within herself. Its not my responsibility to twist myself like a pretzel so that you can feel secure in your space. All space is not your space. That is what people who intimidate children need to here. All of space does not belong to you, I deserve to be here and be myself.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Published by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Aya is a Feminine Shaman that proudly shares her experiences of surviving narcissistic abuse compassionately. Her purpose is to be an inspiritress that offers alternative health solutions to bring as many to light of their personal dawn as possible. She is a sweet, youthful, benevolent spirit, who loves to share her gift of healing. She is a creator, a creative ingenue artist that is innovative to date. As a little child Aja was called "the wise woman in the basement", because adults would come and ask her for her advice and her channeled wisdom was always on point. A Gurvi, a Feminine Shaman, Reflexologist, A Dawn Goddess, An Artist, A Writer, A Public Speaker, and a regular girl.

One thought on “Intimidation is a Trick, a Scandal, and a Lie

  1. My spirit guides hand delivered this post to me. This message was needed at this very moment. The last paragraph is perfection and worded to help widen my perspective. Your an angel and a true spiritual teacher. I hope to be able to learn and continue to grow from your experiences and confidence in your truths.

    💜

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