Last night I was up making psychic life decisions (that is usual as of late). Come to find out Mars is transiting my Mars placement in the 12th house, so, I haven’t really been able to do anything but meditate and rash out what is really important to me psychically. Questions that have come to mind have not only been about what am I doing to make myself happy or am I doing what is in my best interest but what channels are these decisions flowing through?
I may be going after what I want but I still feel some obligation to make others happy which often times puts a damper on what I am doing and the effects are wet blanketed, I don’t feel like a champion but a scared little girl with loads of guilt and self – doubt. I don’t feel in control or settled with in my soul I feel like I could back slide or take back my sovereignty depending on a look or temper tantrum someone may throw at me. My balance has been dependant upon whether or not other people around me feel balanced and not me within myself.
So I died a little last night (this is the 2nd time this week mind you that I have felt the panic of death). Again, Mars in the 12th house transit. Example, I may be getting a 2nd job but they want me to work hours that clash with the job I already have. I would have to tell my bosses at my 1st job that I have to change my schedule and I was anticipating a sigh of displeasure or maybe a lecture of somee sort, which sent me into panic mode on the inside. “Oh my God! I’m not going to please these people, how I can say it, should I just leave a note?” Anything to not face her reactions and so that I don’t have to face the fear I have of standing my ground.
Living in a home with a underdeveloped 5 year old as a mother where nothing I did pleased her and everything was my fault has left me feeling responsible for other peoples feelings, like I directly impact other’s state of being while my state of being is in a constant state of influx. (run on sentence)
My psyche was making me face this dysfunction I grew up with and leading me me to take my power back. I am brave enough to face my fears and do what I need to do but last night what happened in the after effects of the death is that I don’t have to feel afraid anymore while I do what’s right for me. I know I am not wrong and I don’t have to feel guilty or walk away feeling afraid that I am going to lose anything, like a friend, or job, or the feeling that someone likes you. I have security within myself because I digested the fear of not pleasing people and feel a since of well being even if people who feel entitled to be pleased don’t feel pleased by me. I have a better developed system within me to be able to stay balanced. I am growing up and will not be participating in these immature patterns any longer. Man, I love healing!