The Invulnerability of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – Grieving

I am feeling so numb and broken down right now. I feel like some people don’t like me because there is no entry point, I don’t let people “in,” and I demand respect/boundaries. I shut people out and I show them what I want to show them. I told you all that my N-mom was stalking me right? Well, I quit my job because that is where I saw her stalking me. That incident made not want to leave the house and sometimes I’m still scared at night that she may pop up at my home. I went and tried to get my job back and they won’t let me come back, “because of the way I left.” This is really hard for me to take because of the nature of this job, they do what they want to do, it’s very disorganized, but I go up there to do some returns and get my job back and they have already erased me out of the system and I’m not re – hireable. I wanted to fight and argue for a losing battle, for a job that I don’t even really want back, but I decided not to fight just for the sake of fighting, so I’ll look at my triggers instead. Here is what I found.

I went inside my body and found that I feel very tense around my spine and torso area. The memory flashed into my mind of me standing before my mother like I am on trial while she grills me. Every other day she would call me into her room so that she lecture me about things I have done wrong, mistakes I’ve made, my attitude, the dishes, why I can never finish anything, and anything else just so that she could dismiss me and give the cold shoulder, and tell me to get out of her face because I disgust her. I would stand so tall and strong just nodding my head holding onto my own secret feelings and thoughts about what was happening to me. In my life most people don’t give me any sympathy, and I think because of my stance. I come across like I am so strong, like I don’t need anybody. I just never wanted her to see me break down anymore than she had already broken me. It was never enough for her. I lost my will to live and my spirit was broken, she wanted me to lose my mind too. I am starting to see that if I want to live a well balanced life that I have to be empathetic and sympathetic towards myself let those parts of me that I have to be soooo strong break down so that I can live again. Invulnerability really weakens you. Most of my numbness is on my left side, the feminine side. My ability to receive love, appreciation, affection, goodness, compliments, abundance, as been retarded by having to take this stance in order to protect myself from my N-mom. And I have already began to grieve. . .

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Published by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Aya is a Feminine Shaman that proudly shares her experiences of surviving narcissistic abuse compassionately. Her purpose is to be an inspiritress that offers alternative health solutions to bring as many to light of their personal dawn as possible. She is a sweet, youthful, benevolent spirit, who loves to share her gift of healing. She is a creator, a creative ingenue artist that is innovative to date. As a little child Aja was called "the wise woman in the basement", because adults would come and ask her for her advice and her channeled wisdom was always on point. A Gurvi, a Feminine Shaman, Reflexologist, A Dawn Goddess, An Artist, A Writer, A Public Speaker, and a regular girl.

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