What does it mean to be Good Enough or Not Good Enough?

I’m in a romantic relationship. Relationships in general are hard for me whether its romantic or not. I can be very biting and wounded animal-ish. It brings out my shadows and demons. I just don’t feel good enough and I’m afraid that people feel that way about me. That’s a sensation that cuts and hurts.Continue reading “What does it mean to be Good Enough or Not Good Enough?”

The Wrong Reflection

If people aren’t like you What are they like? If  I’m not like you What am I like? people can  see me Can’t they? I should ask them “What am I like?” I need to hear flatteries Saying nothing about me is just as bad as Shame triggering poisonous attacks makes me try harder toContinue reading “The Wrong Reflection”

As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding

Sometimes I’m ashamed of where I’m at because choosing to do the truth after I’ve lived a lie for so long is like turning the titanic around. There were so many shields of protection that I was using to keep the truth about my patterns hidden from me. As I desire to be as unentangledContinue reading “As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding”

Self-Hate Embrace

Why should I trust you again I had to love you Silent wars on you Couldn’t Breathe without you Hard to sleep, nightmares about you How did it feel Getting your ass handed to you The Door slammed in your face At 18 pregnant with me The memory is in the fibers of matrix IContinue reading “Self-Hate Embrace”

Wasteland Love

Come join me in my wasteland I promise I have a cure I lure you into my fakeland No Faceland empty promiseland subract and minus and Void plus you There are things you will find I do it to myself Questionings, Doubt, can’t feel and don’t move Scouring and Burning The sensations devouring I didn’tContinue reading “Wasteland Love”

Am I Dead?

My dreams never came true Am I dead? My biggest shame. My biggest melt down in life. I have never come back from Something in me has given up For all time I suppressed this The thought ‘I minus well be a stripper’ because I felt that becoming an object of a man’s sexual desireContinue reading “Am I Dead?”

What Blue Ivy Will Never Have to Feel aka Trauma Vortex

8 legs in the air frantically frailling Somebody abandoned the infant Like she was a roach, a turtle, or a centipede that always screams like that anyway Bombastic squeals that no one ever hears Only what’s behind my obvious poker face reveals, the Fire in the bottom of my back Rage and under – attackContinue reading “What Blue Ivy Will Never Have to Feel aka Trauma Vortex”

Moving out of Victim Consciousness / Experiencing Discomfort and Goodness

The very need to for me to have created a false image in place of my authentic self is a sign that something hurt me very deeply. The sign that my authentic self was judged as wrong or bad and that I took on those beliefs. I wanted to be someone else if the realContinue reading “Moving out of Victim Consciousness / Experiencing Discomfort and Goodness”

The Invulnerability of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – Grieving

I am feeling so numb and broken down right now. I feel like some people don’t like me because there is no entry point, I don’t let people “in,” and I demand respect/boundaries. I shut people out and I show them what I want to show them. I told you all that my N-mom wasContinue reading “The Invulnerability of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – Grieving”