I’m in a romantic relationship. Relationships in general are hard for me whether its romantic or not. I can be very biting and wounded animal-ish. It brings out my shadows and demons. I just don’t feel good enough and I’m afraid that people feel that way about me. That’s a sensation that cuts and hurts. My wounded mother placed a lot of responsibility on me to make her feel good enough and I couldn’t, therefore, she was constantly agitated with what seemed to be me from my perspective as her daughter. What I am learning daily is to take responsibility for my own hurts, wounds, and healing, although, it feels unpleasant, it gets the job of moving from trauma to wholeness done. Anita Baker puts it very sweetly to music in her 1988 hit ‘Good Enough.’ “I just hope you think I’m Good Enough, I hope you think I’m girl enough . . .
As I was walking today I asked that myself some questions. What does it mean to be enough and what does mean to be not good enough? How do I know I feel like I’m not enough? I guess to answer all of those questions its about sensations. I know I feel not good enough because when I go to lets say sing, or better yet to share an idea, a vulnerability, a sacred part of myself, my hearts starts raising, my breathe becomes constricted, I can’t look anyone in the eye, I am getting signals from my body that go to my brain that say there is danger, and my brain turns those signals into words and images that are then interpreted by consciousness as being not good enough. Therefore, I may or may not share myself with others and I’m definitely not motivated to keep moving in those directions with such a scary body sensational and chemical reaction. Here is the healing part. Firstly, I can ask that my mind uncouple the sensations from the images and labeling. Whenever I feel these often time stuck sensations because of what I have learned from somatic experiencing I sit with these sensations and let them arise and pass through my nervous system until I experience some type of relief/release. I do this by tracking my sensations. For example I sit still or lay down some place comfortable and either write, or say these things aloud; I feel a tightness in my back right now, its pounding, its intense, the color is black, I can feel it throbbing, I can feel it getting tighter as I put my awareness on it, I can feel other parts of my body aching, I am having a hard time breathing, I can now feel the tightness in my back releasing, etc . . . You can do this until it is all gone who until you feel like you can’t take any more. Sometimes I ask myself “Can you sit with this sensation for 2 more minutes,” or whatever time makes your mind at ease. Good Enough may just be a since of clear fundamental consciousness, clarity, well being,, a natural state of happiness that is inherent in all of us. Even our N-moms can accomplish this natural state of being if they choose to do the work, they can move from trauma to wholeness and goodness. Have a great day. I hope this helps someone because it’s healing for me to share it with you. Keep going, it gets better and better. = }
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